Forgiveness is a journey to the center

I'd heard it thousands of times. "There is no such thing as sin. Nothing I could ever do or say or think could shake God's love for me. Nothing in this world can separate me from God - no person, place, or thing." There is one exception perhaps, and that person would be me. So the first person to forgive in any circumstance would be myself. OK fine.

I can't say it didn't matter that I'd heard it thousands of times. I can't say either that my prior attempts at self-forgiveness were ineffective. I can't say that all those hours journaling, confessing, processing with counselors, therapists, and peers were in vain. I can't say that saying "I'm sorry, I messed up. Please forgive me." to the other was unnecessary.

I can say that asking God to forgive me was unnecessary. It took 30+ years, but I got it.

Indulge me....Thirty years ago, I did something that I judged as "betrayal." Even worse, somewhere along the line I equated this act of betrayal of another as betrayal of the Institution of Trust altogether. Not only did I fail to have a good excuse for my actions, but the betrayal was completely inexcusable. Maybe even unforgivable.

While a very creative route for a young mind to take, none of this was Spiritual Truth. It was a teenager's limited interpretation of an independent morality. Some would have forgiven themselves for not knowing any better and moved on. I was not equipped to do that at the time. Thus I created a journey back to wholeness through the vehicle of betrayal. I wonder how many others have been sitting in this boat with me.

I remember writing in my journal after one of my more teeth-rattling guilt trips that my innermost wish was to run hide in an ashram or convent and not emerge until I was done forgiving myself for my litany of sins. I knew God wasn't going to punish me, but I kept punishing myself and getting into all kinds of drama. I knew I was doing it, not God. It was I who was attracting the punishing partners, bosses, neighbors, and jerks in traffic, and I couldn't make it stop.

The other night I had a dream where the one I thought I'd harmed those many years ago and I were together in a beautiful garden having a lovely dinner at the center of the Earth. I can not describe how beautiful it was in words for I would never get to my main point. . . .

In this dream (which I now accept to be an intervention of Spirit), I realized that the only betrayal issue alive in me was self-betrayal. It was not alive in the other person and not alive at all in the reality we were now enjoying. I could simply let it go and embrace the moment, which I did. The joy I was experiencing in my dream from this release radiated into my waking hours and has stayed with me now for several days.

Now, if a client came into my office and asked me to interpret this dream for them, I would tell them that a tetonic shift in consciousness had taken place wherein self-forgiveness had been embodied and subjectified at the very core of their being. That whatever damage the client thought they inflicted on another or the Institution of Trust itself or even God was now made whole the only place it really mattered, on the inside of them. I would assure my client from the depths of my faith, that from this point forward, they will experience a life largely free of the old tendency of self-condemnation and subsequent punishment.

As they leave my office I would tell them "Very, very well done!"

Suffice it to say I never made it to the convent. Something better happened - I woke up from the really really bad dream of separation from God and my fellow human beings. My secret to awakening? Gee, I wish I could break down into "teachable components" exactly what I did so that I could teach others how to achieve the indescribable inner peace. I wish I could write a book on this, so millions could end their suffering by reading my step by step process. I wish I could offer a 30 day money back guarantee, but it doesn't work that way. "Poco a poco" as they say in this neighborhood. Gently, little by little is how it worked for me.

Knowlege comes to us one of two ways: through revelation or bitter experience. This is what I know through both paths - Inner peace comes with self-forgiveness. As I repeat a million affirmations of innocence and preciousness, a chip flies away here, another one there. With each prayer, journal entry, confession, and inspirational book, tiny shifts occur. Something greater is carved out, and we wake up dining in the glorious inner sanctum of peace, joy and unity.

Thinking back over the whole past 30 years...where it started and where I stand today, I conclude my inner peace is worth it. The center of the Earth is awesome. Come find me here.

I'd love to hear about your self-forgiveness journey. Write what it took for you here.